With only a few days left until the end of the year, it’s getting down to the wire. Our favourite Daddy from the North Pole is making his lists and checking them twice. As Santa gets ready to come over and slide down your chimney, the big question remains: have you been a good boy?
Growing up, we were always told to ‘be good’. Our parents, families and our teachers at school all taught us to be docile and conforming members of society. Facing possible punishment, we quickly fell in line. As we got older, being good got a little harder. As we grew into our personality, sexuality and own way of being in the world, the old rules didn’t stand a chance. We rebelled against conformity, expectations and quite often the very structures we grew up in. ‘Being ‘good’? I just want to be me.’ We spend much of our lives trying to figure out who exactly ‘me’ is. Then, in our lifelong pursuit of our elusive self, we discover our fetish.
As human beings, we all seek certain forms of structure as a means to make sense of the world, find our place and cultivate a sense of security and belonging. As with any social system or community, the kink and fetish world too has its own rules and expectations. Within them, our adult selves discover the opportunity to find and know our place. When it comes to BDSM and power exchange dynamics, this is especially true. The roles we take on, the rules we make or follow and the expectations we meet or set speak to a part of ourselves that we didn’t understand or rebelled against. Nowadays, many of us just want to be told we’re ‘a good boy’. How the tables have turned – or have they?
Our lives offer each of us different opportunities to express various parts of ourselves. A life that is satisfying is one where a person nurtures a sense of acceptance, expression and balance between all parts of who they are. Some spaces enable us to take control, while others may require we yield it. In a sense, we all express a certain degree of dominance or submission in every area of our lives. Whether it’s at home or work, in the boardroom or the bedroom, we all show up in different ways, hoping to maintain balance and achieve success. As such, flexing a person’s DOM/sub muscle is a natural part of our existence.
When was the last time you told yourself you’re a good boy?
When it comes to our job, we all want to be told we did a good job. So, when it comes to our expression of our deepest desires, why wouldn’t we want the very same? Over the years I’ve worked as a coach, especially working with people in our community, this realisation has often offered people the greatest relief on their journey. Realising it’s not only ok but healthy to express your dominant or submissive side (within set parameters of safety and consent) is quite often a game-changer. It ushers in a sense of ownership and an increased motivation to explore and express a side of themselves that is often hidden or repressed. Telling someone or being told the words ‘You’re a good boy’ once again becomes the greatest reward, no matter your age.
Owning your DOM/sub side means understanding that it is not a means of escaping from yourself, but of expressing it in a way that supports your full life and bigger story. Even the most submissive person during a scene should assert who they are powerfully |(one could even say, dominantly) in their submission. Even the dominant who is granted control, can only wield power if and when it is given to them by the other person. But here’s the thing: It doesn’t mean much nor last very long unless you cultivate a balance between who you are during a scene – and after it. That means allowing yourself to switch roles from time to time. When was the last time you told yourself you’re a good boy? Sure, that may sound crazy, but hear me out.
Life is much about the carrot and the stick, reward and punishment. Over time, we’ve all learned what activates and motivates us to achieve the things we want. For some, being told ‘YES SIR’ is its own carrot, while for others the stick in itself may be its own reward. We all seek affirmation that we’re doing well and are on the right track. Be it at work, at home or at play, we all need to know we’re ‘OK’. However, most of us seek constant proof and reminders of this from the outside, rather than from within. To truly know it and hold onto it, we should stop being subs to other people’s thoughts and opinions, and become our own DOM in life.
Before you can go out to find or be the DOM in anyone else’s life, you have to first be one in yours.
Whatever we want to achieve in life, it ain’t gonna happen with us spending it on our knees. Every ‘sub’ needs to find the strength to get up and sometimes, speak up. Every ‘DOM’ needs to know when to ease the pressure and let go – in all areas of life. Every scene – be it in the office, the kitchen, the bedroom or the dark room is a dance between people and their unique needs. Get to know your partner, but get to know yourself, too. As I’ve often said, before you can go out to find or be the DOM in anyone else’s life, you have to first be one in yours. Learn what carrots or sticks activate you best, and reward yourself in ways that inspire more of you to come out. Check in with yourself regularly and be sure you don’t dominate too hard or too soft. Find that sweet spot that gets you going and keeps you begging for more.
As we approach the end of the year, it’s natural to find ourselves in a state of reflection. A cycle of twelve months is nearing completion, where we’ve all balanced life as best we can. And so, when it comes to creating your own ‘naughty’ or ‘nice’ list for this year, take stock not only of the challenges you’ve faced, but also of your wins and achievements, and reward yourself for being good – not simply to others, but to yourself too. Whether it’s new gear or a new kitchen mixer, a pair of tall boots or comfy slippers, a big dirty DOM or a piggy sub, make sure you have something waiting for you under your tree this year that gives you what you want, and what you need. Whether you’d consider yourself a DOM or a sub in any particular science, go out there in 2025 and make life your bitch.
Let me ask you this:
- In what areas of your life would you consider yourself to be more dominant/submissive?
- To what degree do you feel you cultivate balance between your dominant and submissive side in life?
- How might you nurture a greater balance between all parts of who you are?
And lastly…
– WHO’S A GOOD BOY? 😏
Coach Guy
