A delicious(ly) slutty bottom Grindr mate once told me: “An avocado is a bottom’s best friend. I’ll tell you why: take 2 a day (no more, no less!) and you’ll basically only need to stick that hose in twice to get that water clean.” As someone who is not shy of bottoming himself, I was intrigued to say the least. I mean: I already liked and ate avocado’s quite a bit, but this was definitely an extra bonus! This ‘rule of two’– something apparently not only applicable to Sith Lords (yes, I went there) and salted herring (the ultimate hangover remedy when taking 2 in a row, but more about that later), but to avocados as well! – is something that totally tickles my soft spot for symmetry and (nutritional) balance. Yep, a mild nerd alert is in order indeed.
A nerd alert on avocado?
Yes, simply because there are so many nice little fun facts to be told about this wonderful Persea Americana:
- The word avocado has its origin in Nahuatl, an ancient language from Mexico spoken by the Aztecs & Toltecs: ahuacatl, which happens to also mean ‘testicle’…stick that in your mouth for starters!
- When ripe, this pear shaped fruit is often called Solange…so: no, her name is nót Beyoncé!
- This one’s especially for the Dutch readers among us: by name, avocado appears (indeed) to be at the root of the Dutch variation of eggnog, advocaat. On the Antilles, pureed avocado was mixed with alcohol to create a yellow beverage, which was then brought to Holland by sailors. By lack of avocados, they started to replace the avocado puree by eggs to achieve a similarly colored beverage, et voilà: advocaatje was born…or so they say.
- They are part of the family of Spermatopsida (or spermatophytes), which is the family of seed-bearing I MEAN…(sloppy) seconds anyone?
“AN AVOCADO IS
A BOTTOM’S
BEST FRIEND”
A nice bridge to nutritional facts, I’d say. Got a minute?
- Avocados are very rich (2 thirds!) in monounsaturated fatty acids, something that actively keeps your cholesterol down, gives you direct energy, keeps your blood sugar levels in check – allowing you to keep burning fat at a high level – ànd keeps (breast) cancer at bay. The latter also goes for the well-represented vitamins A and E.
- The most ‘present’ vitamin is B though: B3 (Niacin, helps create fatty acids) and B6 (amino acid regulator) in particular, which in combo with the also present C, D, riboflavin and manganese, are an absolute dream for your immune system.
- Then there’s potassium, one of my favorites: not only does potassium regulate your blood pressure – lowering the risk of cardiovascular diseases – it also helps your body’s digestive tract to detox from all the poison you may (have) put in there; alcohol being one of the most prominent ones taken care of. A real live(r) saver!
- Furthermore: avocado is one of the most protein-rich fresh fruits, and full of iron and other minerals as well…eat that, Popeye!
- Then, at the end of this little nutri-alphabet, there’s good old omega-3: also starring very brightly in aforementioned herring, this ‘classic’ fatty acid is very good for the brain cells (which are 8% omega-3!), which helps to temper aggression and depression…perfect for after the ‘weekend’ 😉
- Next to all these oils and fatty acids – by themselves already a dream coating for your intestines – avocados also contain SO many good fibers, that your stool will be nothing but regular as fuck and smooth like a baby’s bottom…did anyone say bottom?
Ok, all nice and dandy, but I can imagine you might be getting hungry (and eager?) to put these goodies in your body by now, so here are my 5 favorite ways of taking in this green powerhouse.
Nomnom realness, but…ehm…where to get the good ones?
A lot of the above (or any) recipes stand and fall with the quality and the ripeness of avocados, and I’ll be the first one to admit: the good ones are not always easy to find, and results from the past don’t give any warranty for future success. This goes for both the babies from your local veggie (buur)man, as the overpriced, (not always) ready-to-eat ones from the supermarket. All I can say is: experience makes you ‘rich’, there are a few tricks to speed up the ripening process (look online) if needed, and you will know soon enough where the odds generally are the best.
Finally FREE…to do what you want to do!
I wanted to save this one for last: perhaps we shouldn’t take my date’s advice too literally – you might not want (or have) to take 2 a day – but because avocados are FREE, from gluten, nuts, soy, lactose, celery, sodium, sugar and cholesterol – and I probably missed a few more – these little bombs of nutrition are definitely an all-inclusive wonder of nature, and potentially (almost) everyone’s best friend…for sure a true (fuck) Bottom’s Best Friend Forever!
Bon appétit!
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