Hey Bryan,
I have a question about having sex in the mornings vs. the evenings. It sounds stupid, but after being together with my partner for so long, it is becoming an annoying issue. He is a morning sex type and I would rather do it in the evening. We can be quite busy every day, he sometimes works in the afternoon, and we don’t spend much time together. As he is tired in the evening, he gets super horny in the morning. And I hate it. I don’t find the morning breath sexy at all, I don’t want to douche before having my coffee, and I’m definitely not into oral before I have to get up for work. How to find the best balance for it?
Signed,
Not Before Coffee
There’s no middle ground here. You can’t compromise from both sides and fuck in the afternoon; it’s not a practical solution. But, there is a possible balance. Ultimately, it comes down to whether sex at these “conflicting times” is truly important to maintain your relationship, and only you and your partner can answer that. There are going to have to be times where you “cope” with morning sex and times where he “copes” with evening sex, and over the long run, it averages out.
Since you’re the one asking me and not him, and I’m assuming you’re open to having morning sex sometimes (as opposed to looking for a solution where you never have morning sex), here are some suggestions for how to “cope” with morning sex:
1) Taking things off the menu
Not all sex options have to be on the menu for every sex session you have with your partner. You can take anal off the menu if you’re worried about not douching immediately before sex. You can taking fisting off the menu if you’re worried about not doing a deep clean right before sex. If you’re feeling creative, you can turn this into a sexy, playful game where you have sex but don’t kiss mouth-to-mouth (if you’re kinky, use gags. Need I say more?) Ask yourself and your partner what role sex plays in your relationship. Is it purely a physical experience? Is there a component of reconnection and bonding? Does anal or oral have to be a part of the sex in order for these things to be fulfilled, or can outercourse, toys, or just jerking off together give you parts of this to tide you over until a time when your schedules align? Changing both of your definitions of what it means to “have sex” will give you more opportunities to have it besides the penis-in-ass options.
2) Mouthwash
It’s fast, easy, technically ingestible once in a while, and will solve most of the morning breath issue. Most people need to pee first thing in the morning, even when they’re horny. Having mouthwash in the bathroom means that he can have mostly fresh breath for you. If he’s SO horny, that no one is peeing first, then having a small travel-sized bottle by the bed is an option.
3) Morning-but-not-first-thing-sex
“If he’s horny in the morning, it’s not going away just because you both get out of bed and do just enough of your morning routine to be acceptable for sex. Readjusting what first-thing-in-the-morning-sex looks like will let the both of you enjoy it without one person’s needs being totally disregarded. It’s still “first thing in the morning” if, for example, you get up to pee and brush your teeth first.”
4) Planning for morning sex
Sex doesn’t always have to be spontaneous. But, you can create the illusion that it is spontaneous. You can douche the night before and you’ll still be cleaned out enough to get fucked – just maybe not enough for a superdeep fisting session. Your rectum and lower colon don’t just fill up with poop overnight. You don’t have to do a superdeep clean the night before, but a regular douche will be enough to avoid a mess from a run-of-the-mill ass-fucking.
5) Anal sleeve
If you want to be spontaneous and don’t want to worry about douching the morning of, or the night before, use an anal sleeve or an anal condom (the sleeve is probably the better looking of the two). There are lots of options here with a variety of lengths and textures. You can take it out of your ass in the shower when you’re getting all clean and ready for your day.
Getting through this kind of mismatch means that you’ll have to talk about this with your boyfriend at some point. While I’ve given you some suggestions about how you can move the needle towards his side of the scale, don’t forget to include your needs in the conversation where he also moves towards your side of the scale. It sounds like you have moments where you happily intersect with respect to time and desire. This is about reinforcing some (but maybe not all) of the things you get out of sex when they don’t.
