Hey Bryan,
Would you advise me on a leather or fetish outfit considering I am a stocky guy with a belly and lanky arms? I had a terrible experience at a local gay fetish shop. The salesman told me with an attitude, “I am not inspired.” I am super new to fetish and the most I have is a shitty jockstrap. I would like to try new stuff to see what I attract and I might use it as well during a gay cruise if it happens.
Signed,
All Ready To Go, But Nothing To Wear
First off, let me say that I am sorry you were made to feel “less than” by a person whose job it is to sell you stuff by advising you on their product. To me, it sounds like they probably have no imagination and/or knowledge of what is in their store.
More importantly, welcome to fetish-land!
Now about your first outfit. These are just MY own rules, but they have served others well in the past:
1) If it makes you feel sexy, you should wear it:
Usually what makes you feel sexy is also something that makes you feel like you look sexy, but not always, and you need to know the difference. When you feel sexy (whether you think you look sexy or not), that attitude comes across subliminally to others. You carry yourself differently. You attract people differently—and usually better.
2) No decision you make is permanent:
Your first outfit does not lock you into a fetish for life. Fetishes can ebb and flow. Your first outfit often carries a weight that it does not deserve. I don’t have any pieces of my first fetish outfit anymore. What makes you feel sexy changes as you change (sometimes with the seasons or the weather!) This is just a first step towards exploring your sexual power.
3) A fetish outfit is a fetish outfit if you decide it’s a fetish outfit:
A fetish outfit broadly serves two purposes. First, as in rule 1, its primary purpose is to make you feel sexy. Second, if you’re wearing it in public/at an event (and you don’t have to), it serves to tell other people about your fetish. Fetishes run the whole range of outfits. Full-leathers, rubber neck-entry catsuits, harnesses of all kinds are what we often think of as fetish gear, but sports gear, jeans, lace, swimwear, a shitty jockstrap, even wearing absolutely nothing but a smile are all valid and expressive fetish outfits. When in doubt, go back to rule 1.
4) It’s okay not to be totally happy with your body:
The body you are in today is the body you’re in today. And while you could wait until the day you have a body, you’re totally happy with (and this is likely to never happen) to explore your sexual power through fetish, that’s potentially a lot of missed opportunities. Just as bodies come in all shapes, attraction also comes in all flavors. As in rule 1, how you project your sexiness is what will attract those people who are looking for someone exactly like you, in the body you are in today, to find you.
5) Some designs are made to be more “conventionally” flattering for certain body types than others:
Not all fetish has to be skin tight. Not all fetish has to be revealing. A pair of pants and suspenders can go a long way (shirt on or off) with any body type. Conventionally, designs that have X and V elements (whether straps or color blocks/stripes) emphasize wider shoulders and narrower waists. H designs (e.g. suspenders) complement stockier body types. But regardless of the guidelines around flattering design, always go back to rule #1.
6) When in doubt, try it on (if you can):
If something catches your eye and you can try it on in a store, TRY IT ON. That is what stores are for. An afternoon trying on things that do and don’t look promising is a great way to figure out what you like and what you don’t like. And trust me: at first, NOTHING is in your comfort zone. A good salesperson helps explain features and design elements to you. Whether you look good in something or not is up to you, not them. So, if they’re feeling uninspired, that’s fine. As the saying goes, “What others think of me is none of my business.”
Keep us posted
Bryan
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